Chapter 11

They stood outside the narrow, carved door of the tavern, Cobweb's eyes on Lisia, who was looking the establishment up and down, his expression doubtful.

"Are you sure this is a nice place?" Lisia asked, looking for assurance. Through the front windows they could see in on a dark interior; there appeared as yet few customers in that late afternoon hour.

"It's slightly out of the way -- private," Cobweb replied, glancing to the door again. Lisia had already been hesitating outside the door for five minutes, looking at the sign, the brickwork, the window boxes. "Just trust me," he said, taking the hostling's hand. "Really, Lis, I don't see what the problem is."

Lisia rolled his eyes. "OK, fine. It's just that I've never been in a place like this. I stayed at a couple of inns on the trip but I was too tired to go out. I've only ever heard of taverns from when the soldiers would talk."

Cobweb tugged on Lisia's arm and pushed the door inward. "Well, it's time you had a new experience."

The interior was lined in dark polished wood, a long bar taking up the right side of the main room. A number of the hara at the bar were smoking what smelled like herbal cigarettes and the room was filled with a light pungent smoke.

"To tell you the truth, Lis, I haven't been to anyplace like this in years myself," Cobweb confessed as they approached the bar. "For a long I rarely ever left the grounds of Forever."

The pot har smiled graciously as he stood drying glasses behind the bar. "Ah, Tiahaar Cobweb, I'm most honored."

Cobweb, who did not recognize the har, delivered a delicious smile. "Thank you, Tiahaar. Let me tell you, however, it is I who am honored, especially if you would be so kind as to deliver Tiahaar Lisia and myself to a secluded area." As he spoke he noted a niche with a table and chairs at the very rear, three quarters blocked off by a heavy, velvet curtain. "That spot right there would be lovely."

The har, obviously thinking he was privy to a romantic pairing he could make quite scandalous gossip, raised an eyebrow, but before he could make a sly comment, Cobweb added, "We're looking to have a private conversation. Tiahaar Lisia has just given testimony at the tribunal and I wish to discuss it with him."

"As you wish, Tiahaar." The pot har bowed slightly and indicated his customers should sit.

Lisia stood alternately watching Cobweb and taking in his environment. When Cobweb began to move to the table, he had to take Lisia's hand in order to snap him back to reality.

After ducking behind the curtain, they took their seats. Above them a wall sconce provided dim but adequate light. Presently the pot har appeared to take their order. "And what would the tiahaara be having to start?"

"Sheh," Cobweb replied immediately. "Hot and spiced. To start."

"And you, Tiahaar?"

Lisia's expression was blank. "To drink?" He looked to Cobweb, then the pot har, then back to Cobweb. "I really don't know. I haven't ever been to a tavern before. I don't really drink much. Is there something maybe very strong but very... let's see, something sweet?"

"I know just what you'll like, Tiahaar," the pot har assured him, ducking around the curtain, presumedly to mix their drinks.

The light flickered briefly and in it Cobweb could see the blond streak running down the side of Lisia's face. Surrounded by the dark wood and wearing a light yellow knit sweater, Lisia brightened up the corner. Cobweb was in a belted robe of dark green, and with his hair dark and plaited around his shoulders, he melded into the shadows, but for his pale skin.

"So," he began, "let's continue where we left off. You were saying you actually remember the very first time you were angry?"

Lisia shifted somewhat uncomfortably in his chair. "The first time I was really angry, yes."

"It was the first time you hosted?" Cobweb prompted, going back to Lisia's comment as they'd left the assembly.

"No, actually it was the first time I delivered," Lisia corrected. "Hosting never troubled me and certainly never made me angry. Aside from certain misgivings, I always loved hosting, and the first time was especially wonderful." He paused as the curtain moved to the side and the pot har unobtrusively set down their drinks before slipping out again. "I was very innocent about everything and thought about it like a harling. I was so happy. I'd wanted to host ever since I was little."

Lisia's sad history made perfect sense to Cobweb. "Of course. It's what you had been taught to want."

"It's funny you say that," Lisia replied slowly, "because a couple of the hara at Harling Gardens, the new counselors, said the same thing to me recently -- that it's just because I was raised that way. I don't think it's true."

"But you were molded into being a hostling, Lis. How would that not make you want to host?"

Lisia finished sipping his drink, which he finally drew away from his mouth, a slight smile on his face. "That's good." The smile vanished. "But no, you're wrong, I think that even if I'd been raised normally, I would have probably wanted it very badly. I have a natural ability with harlings, I really think I do. They've always liked me."

"I see your point," Cobweb conceded, his hand cupping the hot glass of sheh. "But what about the delivery? I can understand why you'd have been angry since they took your pearl away--"

"That was part of it," Lisia agreed, "but only part of it."

"Only part? What was the main reason? I just assumed--"

"No," Lisia cut in. "The main reason was... And I guess this is going to sound completely stupid, like I was naive, which I was..." Lisia let out a long breath. "The main reason was that no one had ever admitted to me how much the delivery was going to hurt. They always told me it would be so easy and natural since I'm a -- I was a hostling... but it wasn't. It hurt so badly." By the end of his statement Lisia was staring down into his glass, his hands cupped around the base.

"Oh, Lis." Just as when he and Swift and comforted Lisia the night he learned the truth about Wraeththu, Cobweb felt tremendous sympathy for this har who had been kept in such hideous ignorance. "Why didn't they tell you?"

"They told us later they hadn't wanted to frighten us by telling us the truth." He picked up his glass and tipped it back to his mouth. The house har had brought him a brandy glass of sweet blackberry liqueur. "Of course now I know they were holding back a lot more than just how much having a pearl was going to hurt. At the time, though, that was enough."

"You were angry you'd been lied to," Cobweb surmised.

"Exactly," Lisia agreed. "I felt like I'd been tricked, that everything I'd thought before had been a great big lie." He looked down at his glass and took another drink. Although normally Wraeththu are hard to get drunk, Cobweb guessed that Lisia might have quite a low tolerance for alcohol.

"I'd been led to believe I'd have a pretty easy life, you know, always with the pretty clothes, makeup, singing, dancing, wonderful aruna, having conceptions, hosting. Really it had never occurred to me how it would really feel to actually deliver and I never thought it would hurt -- not so much." Lisia turned his glass, swirling the liquid. "Then one night I was at dinner and I knew I was going to have the pearl. The thing I thought was going to be so wonderful turned into a nightmare. It hurt so badly I was crying and screaming. The doctors told me I was carrying on and finally Tiahaar Botbek actually tied my mouth shut, if you can believe it." He shrugged and shook his head. "Sorry, I know I'm not on the witness stand anymore, but I can't help it."

"It's all right, Lis," Cobweb assured. Unlike Swift, he had never read Lisia's journal and didn't know all the details of how Lisia had been treated, particularly with regard to the delivery of his pearls.

"Thank you. Yes, so he tied my mouth shut and I thought I was going to die. There was no one there but Tiahaar Laran in the end and finally I had my pearl and it was terrible. It just hurt so much and then afterward I wanted the pearl, just to see it, and I couldn't. I had never guessed it would be like that. Afterward everything changed. I wished I had died and I was so angry at everyone. I just couldn't believe that no one had told me I was going to be screaming with such horrible pain. I mean, eventually I came to overcome it and it wasn't so bad, but that first time..."

Cobweb nodded in sympathy. Although his own memory was hazy, his understanding of the pain involved was acute. "So how long did you stay angry? Forever?"

Lisia sighed. "No, not forever. First I was locked up for a week though. I was so upset the doctors wouldn't let me see anyone. I was angry and sad, especially when I knew my pearl was hatching. Finally though they let me out. The thing is, it didn't get better. It got to be so awful, how I felt, that I decided I couldn't be a hostling. I felt like I couldn't be a hostling and be so angry. So I went to Tiahaar Upsari, the chief administrator, and I asked to quit. He wouldn't let me. I thought about maybe escaping... but the idea was so frightening. I didn't really have a choice about what to do. I just had to accept it. They told me things would get better and it wouldn't hurt as much as I got older, and I just had to believe them. I was just too scared to fight it and so I just let it happen, one pearl after another."

Cobweb had always felt an understanding for Lisia, but now, hearing this startling confession, he felt they had even more in common than he had believed. After all, Lisia wasn't the only har who'd ever permissively endured evil in order to cling to some bit of benefit and remain safe. Cobweb had done the same thing himself.