Chapter 12

"More liqueur?" the pot har inquired, standing just inside the curtain.

"Yes," Lisia replied at once, pushing his glass towards Cobweb, who handed it off. "It's very tasty."

Once the pot har had disappeared, Lisia glanced around himself and smiled. "I like this place."

"Really?" Cobweb asked. "It's rather drab. I do like this spot, however."

"Yes, I like it too. I just like the whole idea taverns, though -- getting to meet different hara, trying out different drinks." Right on cue, a new glass appeared. "Do you think I would have gone to places like this if I'd had a normal life?"

Cobweb put down his glass. "Maybe. It's always hard to say what might have been. In your case, it would have depending on what tribe you'd belonged to, what your parents had been like--"

"What they were like you mean!" Lisia burst out. "I had parents."

"Of course you did, Lis. I didn't mean to say you didn't."

"I know... it's just that I've been thinking about that more and more. Before I didn't even think about where I'd come from. The Gelaming are sure I was taken from another tribe." Lisia took a sip of his drink and shook his head. "I thought I'd come from another facility."

"That's hardly surprising," Cobweb commented. "No one ever told you any different, I'm sure."

"I guess so. But I went my whole life not thinking about it and now I have to wonder. Are they still alive? How old was I when they took me? Did they have to steal me right out of my hostling's arms? I wonder if they ever think about me." Lisia by that point was looking haunted.

Cobweb tried to be assuring. "Oh, they probably do." Privately, Cobweb felt there was a good chance Lisia's parents were both dead, Varr war casualties, but he couldn't bear mention it to Lisia.

For a few minutes neither of them spoke. Lisia finished off his drink and idly traced the edge of the glass with his index finger. Cobweb thought about having a cigarette and magically a har appeared at the curtain, extending both cigarette and light. Cobweb accepted graciously. It was gratifying to be able to transform his wishes into reality.

Finally Lisia broke the silence. "You know, thinking about it all, in the end I guess most of my anger is for the hara who made the facility in the first place -- hara like Ponclast and those under him. I've heard the Gelaming say they had no souls and I believe it."

Cobweb felt himself stabbed in the heart. It was time he faced up to -- and admitted -- the painful truth. "One of those soulless hara was Swift's father."

Lisia recoiled, hit both by the fact itself and who had spoken it. However, before the hostling could say anything or get up from the table, Cobweb took control. "Please, Lisia, I want you to listen to me. There are things I need to tell you that I haven't told you before."

"What sort of things?" Lisia asked nervously, withdrawing backward from the table, although remaining in his chair. "I thought all the bad things were out of the way."

"Not these things." Cobweb realized he was desperate now, that he was about to uncork something he'd kept contained for a long time. For a few moments he considered how to proceed. He wanted to present the truth. Between him and Lisia, there could never be anything else -- not after all the lies Lisia had already endured.

"At the facility, you were taught to idealize the life of consorts," he began. "You were told how they would make heirs for mighty leaders. You even used to gossip about me in particular -- the glamorous, powerful consort of Terzian. What I want to let you know is that I think you have the wrong idea of me."

"Please tell me the right idea then, Cobweb," Lisia urged. "I've spoken so much about myself, but I don't know about you. I've actually thought about that, you know."

"Have you? Well, good, although I suspect this isn't something you've considered." He took a long draw on his cigarette. "You're still so innocent."

He waved a hand to stave off Lisia's protest. "Believe me, Lis, you don't know. You went through your own ordeals, but I went through ordeals of my own. You were forced to endure the control of immoral system, while I... pretended it didn't exist."

"What do you mean?" Lisia asked, his voice small.

"I mean I knew, Lis." Almost unbearable it was, to say those words to a victim like Lisia. "I'm saying that I wasn't ignorant, Lis. From the moment Terzian took me as his consort, I knew he was... dangerous. He was a great leader -- a great Varr leader. Everyone in our tribe lived in fear of the Varrs. When Terzian chose me it was frightening but I liked the danger -- liked it as much as I liked everything else he gave me. The house on the hill, the wine, all the fine things."

"That's what we always imagined hostlings would have. You were protected -- safe -- so you could make heirs."

"Safe? Yes, I was safe." Lisia was trying to understand, but failing. Cobweb had to set him straight. "And I did make an heir, although as I told you, I didn't know it until the day the pearl came." Cobweb set down his cigarette, which had burned out. "Terzian was so pleased and because of that, so was I. Everything was great -- still scary, but great. He had other consorts, you know. Ones he didn't keep in the house. How many I don't know. But he liked me the best."

Lisia, for all his golden skin, was looking at bit pale. "Something happened then, didn't it?"

Cobweb nodded. "Yes, something happened."

It all began when one day Terzian was to go on a raid. and Cobweb had had a vision telling him he should go along. Normally no hostling would go out on the battle field, but Cobweb had insisted.

Over another glass of sheh, he told Lisia the story of all that unfolded. His safety had been shattered and he'd been injured, then abused, captured by the Irraka. Eventually he'd been rescued, but never again would he be truly safe.

Calanthe stole away Terzian's heart without even meaning to and when he left with Pellaz, there had been nothing left for Cobweb except the vestiges of a family. He was allowed to stay in the house. Swift grew up into a fine harling, swaddled in safety, while his father spent most of his time... away.

"I want you to understand something, Lis," Cobweb continued. "Terzian told me about the facility. Got that? He told me? He didn't go into detail, but he mentioned it to me. Believe it or not, it was one of the few things he actually explained to me. Ridiculing the Gelaming and boasting of his army's prowess was standard, but actually talking about the war? Never. Not in Forever. We were safe in Forever."

"Is this what you meant when you said you 'knew'?" Lisia asked. "Because that doesn't seem out of the ordinary. I knew about you, so of course you knew about the facility. As for the rest, you just said he didn't tell you."

"He didn't," Cobweb agreed, "because he didn't have to. I didn't have to be told." He pressed his outstretched fingers against his forehead, closing his eyes as he remembered. "I'm a psychic, Lis. Unlike the Varrs, I knew magic. Unlike them, I could feel the evil. When Terzian would come home from his campaigns I always tried to be there for him, but at the same time, he scared me more and more. I could feel what he was doing, what that army was out doing."

"Did Terzian know you knew?"

Cobweb shook his head. "We didn't speak about it. I stood by him and... stood by him, never speaking of it. Not even when Cal came back. Not even when Cal stole him completely. I tried to attack Cal, you know, and I failed. Terzian chose Cal and then Cal gave him Tyson. That was when I realized Terzian really didn't need me. I'd wanted more harlings, but Terzian wasn't going to give me any. And then the truly remarkable thing happened: Cal, for all his arrogance, admitted there was something he could not do, and that was care for a child."

"That's how you adopted Tyson," Lisia murmured.

"Exactly. And you know, that was when I started to change. I was still loyal to Terzian, of course, because that was my role and because I owed it to him and even... loved him... but at the same time, I started to be loyal to myself and, oddly, to Cal. I had won over him but I also got something from him. I had another harling to raise and a household to run. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more cursing Cal. I realized the world was changing and that somehow or another, it was going to explode. I felt it. When Cal left with Swift and Leef to find Terzian, I feared for all of them, but at the same time, I hoped they would somehow bring an end to it."

"I remember Swift explaining what happened," Lisia said. "How he met Seel and they went to Fulminir and defeated Ponclast."

Cobweb nodded. "Exactly. My own son stopped the evil. My own son!" Cobweb was feeling proud, although as always there was a bitter tinge to that pride. "Of course I wasn't completely happy with it. As you know, I have not always agreed with the Gelaming and their notions of how we should live our lives. And then there was Terzian. Do you know, even then, even after Swift told me things he had learned, even after I was free to admit that I knew, I defended him. I couldn't help it. He had given me such a good life, such a safe life, and he'd given me Swift and Tyson. I just couldn't..."

It was at that point that Cobweb broke down. It was just the same as when Terzian had come home and told him he'd never loved him. It hurt like his guts were being dragged out, like he was being drawn and quartered or buried by a thousand stones. How could he have been so helplessly stupid? His chest was heaving as he bawled more than he ever had. Thankfully, just as he developed enough awareness to be embarrassed about it, he noticed Lisia signalling to the bar and then quickly closing the curtain.

Lisia came up behind Cobweb and stroked his shoulders. "I understand, Cobweb. I do."

"What do you understand?" Cobweb groused. "You can't possibly understand this."

Switching to crouch in front, this time Lisia was more forceful. "How can you say that? Of course I can!" He grabbed a napkin from the table and wiped Cobweb's face as he spoke. "I can understand why you did what you did and why you felt how you felt. I can understand not doing anything. I don't blame you. I didn't do any better. We do what we have to do."

"That's what those hara at the hearings said, Lis," Cobweb observed. "They said they were just following orders."

"That's true, though!" Lisia threw up his hand and fell back into his seat. "Sure, there's anger we have, the fact that things they did were wrong, but they had their reasons. It's all twisted up. Even Terzian -- he wasn't 100 percent evil, was he?"

Cobweb was amazed to hear these words. He shook his head. "No," he agreed. "Sometimes I think it would be easier if he had been, but no, he wasn't."

"Just like Laran," Lisia said. "I tried to explain to you, how Laran was a pretty good har, but somehow he went wrong. Even just now, when I was so angry at him, knowing how he lied and how he justified everything, I couldn't help but remember how he helped me. It's just like you and Terzian."

"Terzian was worse," Cobweb offered. "He really was, Lis." For some odd reason, Lisia was starting to smile. "Poor Swift came to realize that only when he went out on his own." Lisia's smile was growing more definite. Cobweb had to ask about it. "What is it, Lis? I assume you can't be smiling over something I've said."

Lisia laughed. "No, not exactly, although I heard it."

"What's so funny then?" The conversation lightening up, Cobweb felt a shift inside himself, as though a burden had been lifted.

"Well, actually while you were talking I was just thinking about you and this Cal. I know this won't sound funny to you, but I was just thinking how absolutely crazy in love Terzian must have been to abandon you. You're so beautiful -- more beautiful than any other hostling I've ever known. From the way you've treated me, I'd think it would be impossible for someone not to appreciate you."

"You're too kind-hearted, Lis," Cobweb chided gently. "I'm not all sweetness and light."

"You have been with me," Lisia argued, the gleam remaining in his eyes. "Speaking of which... do you think there is another private place here in this tavern? Some sort of room...?"

Cobweb rolled his eyes. "You're shockingly bold, Lis, do you know that? Shockingly bold and with aruna on the mind!"

"And you're beautiful... and wonderful at aruna." Lisia winked. "I'm supposed to leave tomorrow. I probably won't see you for a long time. So... a room?"

"I'll arrange it," Cobweb pledged, gratified and looking forward to a happy ending to what had been a very trying day.