Chapter 3

Xela frowned indignantly at my outburst, while Shridan leaned forward in his chair, a thick finger pointed in my direction. "I'll tell you what's wrong with that!"

I couldn't help but shake my head. There was no way they were going to convince me I was wrong; to me this argument was only about convincing them that I was right.

"Now don't give me that look, Dera," my father chided. "You're not a harling and this is serious business. Xela and I are concerned for you. You've been away from us so long, we don't know all that goes on in your life, and when we do find out, it's like you're another person, one we don't know."

"I don't know what you mean," I sighed. "I haven't changed."

Shridan gave Xela a sidelong glance, then looked back to me. "But you have changed, Dera. Maybe you don't realize it but you've become submissive. I don't remember raising you to be submissive and neither does Xela."

His words had me bristling with indignation. "Submissive? In what way? And why do you use the term as a pejorative?"

"Because of what I see you doing. You hosted a pearl for Tishrana, whose not your partner, but Fafara's."

"I just told you, he is my partner, just as much as Fafara," I quietly insisted.

"A situation you allowed to develop only because you've become so submissive," Xela suggested. "Any normal har would have put up a fight but--"

"Stop it!" I said. "I've told you how things are and that's it. It has nothing to do with me 'submitting' to anything. It's what I want, don't you get it?"

"Oh, Dera, we're sorry," Xela responded, ignoring my question. "But your father and I have both borne two pearls each and just can't imagine why you'd take on hosting again when you could so easily have avoided it. You should be making it more equal, like your father and I did!"

At this my little Devath finally did what I'd been expecting him to all along, which was screw up his face and burst out crying. "Oh, Dev, shhhhh, shhhhh, it'll be over soon," I soothed, petting his head. "Soon it'll be all right, don't worry." I looked up at my parents, shooting them a look telling them to lay off the fireworks. I began to rock Devath in my arms to quiet him.

"I am not the same as you and father," I said calmly, modulating my voice for the benefit of my harling. "I admire you both and I credit much of what I am to your guidance but apparently we must be very different. I've done what I've wanted to do. I wanted to have harlings. If you'd like me to put it completely straight to you, for the most part I've been soume. But you have to understand, that's not something they're making me do, it's how I feel. They're not forcing me and I'm not always that way. Even if I was always that way, so what? If it's what I want... so why the censure?"

Shridan opened his mouth to say something but before he did, I continued on. "I can't believe you two. Haven't you learned anything since you were men? I am not making myself 'lesser' -- and being a hostling or being soume does not make me 'submissive.' I think it's quite possible to be a dominant soume and I think I can be and have been. So have many hara. I've never passively just done whatever, I've consented."

My parents both appeared mollified by this short speech -- and it was a speech -- and for a few moments, never of them spoke. Shridan leaned back in his chair and Xela shifted in his seat. Devath by now had quieted and I patted his shoulder as I waited to hear their reaction, hoping I would have gotten to them at last. Incredible what amounts of energy we spend appeasing the people who supposedly should love and accept us no matter what.

"All right," Xela sighed. "I'm sorry we brought it up... but it's just a bit of a shock."

"It's all right," I said. "I should have told you... or been telling you all along." I stood up, ready to return to the rest of the family. "Why don't we go and have our drinks, then dinner, which should be ready."

They nodded and stood up. Moving towards the door Xela passed by my desk and glanced down. It was the ledger to my jewelry business. "Oh, I forgot to ask," he said. "How's your business doing? I know you mustn't have done anything with it lately, with the pearl, but just in general?"

My grip on the doorknob tightened as I realized how they would be reacting to my answer. "Actually, I'm going to be giving it up again, at least as a full-time profit venture. At least while Devath is small, maybe for a year or so. Like I did for Ilafa and Adelna."

Shridan hissed between his teeth. "Dera, that is just what we were just talking with you about. You're letting those two take advantage of you. There are two other hara here, why do you have to give up your livelihood when they could be--"

"Because it's fine!" I interrupted. Devath was getting upset again so I kept myself from saying anything else. "Now let's go back to the others. I don't want to hear any more of this."

I turned away from then and twisted the doorknob. I had always enjoyed my parents visits. Now I was wondering if I'd want them back again.