Chapter 11

"Thiede's secret" may be overstating the matter, since everyone knows about me -- the deaf albino shaman -- but nevertheless I like to use the phrase since in many ways, that's how I've always felt.

As he has grown in powers and pushed along his plans for Wraeththu, he became and more distant from the rank and file and even from the elite forces of Nahir Nuri he coaxed together beginning in Nova. He has held over them not only the secret of his identity, but, it is obvious to me, some of his kindness, his sympathy, his compassion. In an effort to push forth his agenda, he has set aside parts of himself that would make him more personable, instead opting to come off as a wildly powerful eccentric, an elemental force outside of all rules, and a har with a strong will that will not be bent.

Many hara have seen their lives changed irrevocably by his decisions and many have been angered or made resentful. I am not one of them. Over the years, Thiede has always been good to me. Part of it is that I know who and what he is, part is that he has simply always held me in special esteem. We have been friends, really and truly.

It was he who set me out in the world. I was Algomalid when Thiede arrived one night and announced that it was time for me, like many others in town, to begin my mission. I was to roam the world reaching out to all the different bands of Wraeththu and teaching them what I knew, exercising my fine-honed powers to perform the services of inception, healing and of course communication, which was my speciality. Before I left, Thiede made me Nahir Nuri. "You are all I had hoped for," he told me as he approached his horse to leave. "May the future find you reaching even higher hopes."

I became a missionary. From a life in the dump where my only concern had been my own survival and I'd had no grand designs on the world, I arrived at a life of supreme importance, becoming something of a legend, a Nahir Nuri sent to move Wraeththu forward by sharing my gifts with hara around the world. I am known by several affectionate nicknames, including "White Ghost" and "Whitehar," and I always attract a crowd when I arrive, swathed head to toe in protective clothing. I alight off my horse and remove my hat, revealing my snow white hair. Because of the way I communicate, I'm always greeted by the highest caste hara, who speak with me mind to mind, letting me know the situation and soliciting my assistance as needed.

Besides sharing my talents, I have of course collected information. Much of this I passed on to Thiede, who all along would visit me, popping up in the most unexpected corners of the world. I was once camped alone in a forest in Ferike, on my way across Jaddayoth, when Thiede suddenly appeared leaning against a tree. He was the busiest of hara, but somehow he would find me. Another time I was living with the Sahale beneath the mountain ranges of Elhmen when Thiede arrived, seemingly for the exclusive purpose of taking aruna with me. It was not an unwelcome surprise at all; traveling had kept me from bonding with any one particular har and though I shared with many others, no har ever satisfied as well as he has.

As the years went on, finally, Thiede appeared to me with decreasing frequency. Sometimes I would go without seeing him for months at a time. When he did appear he would appear to be agitated, closed off, as more and more he became insistent on the need for order among Wraeththu, the need to eliminate the elements of chaos and impurity that threatened to break our new race apart. He did not want for us to sink down to the level of humans. He wanted something better for us. More than ever, he was making it his mission to put Wraeththudom on the "right path." He was still working on the plan, but he would have a solution, he assured me, even if it meant he would see me less.

I didn't see him for most of last year. Although I was busy with my work as always and at first took it in stride, after almost a year had passed, I grew worried. He was my friend and even though there were distances between us, we had always stayed in contact.

Finally four months ago he appeared out of nowhere asking me to go with him to a palace he'd built in a far northern place. I was greatly surprised; often he appeared all of a sudden, but normally he came without any requests except that we talk or share aruna or go for a walk. Still, I was not opposed to the idea of settling down somewhere at least for a time. I had been traveling a long time and just completed a mission. Besides, I was missing him and it seemed as though we would be traveling together and then spending some time in the new palace. So I said I'd go and then, with an abruptness I'd heretofore only seen him wield with others, whisked me away half-way across the world!

True to his word, it was a lovely palace, a comfortable place to stay -- for me to stay anyway. Almost immediately after we arrived, Thiede left for parts unknown. The other hara there were not at all surprised. I was a bit let down. Thiede was my friend and didn't he owe me some explanation? Eventually I talked myself out of my upset and tried to relax into things. It was a change of pace, relaxing, being pampered, having access to books, not having to worry about caste trainings or tribal politics. However, after two months, I became restless. Why had Thiede brought me here? Surely he must have had a reason!

He arrived in secret and came to me. I was lying in bed, tossing and turning, my body uneasy and uncomfortable, feeling a lack of aruna like I'd never had before. I'd been to preoccupied with waiting for him to even consider such basic matters. Aruna. As soon as I felt his presence in the room I felt the warmth spreading outward from my loins.

Thiede sat on the bed and when I looked up to see him, he was smiling at me wistfully.

"Miss me?" he asked, mind to mind, soul to soul. By that point we understood on another perfectly.

He knew the answer as soon as I felt it: Yes.

"Are you lonely, my friend?"

"Not really, I have enough. It's only that I like to see you now and then."

"Are you happy with the life that you've had?"

"Yes, very. You gave me the universe -- and your friendship."

"I also put you to work."

"I enjoyed it."

"What do you think of children?"

The last question threw me. Hara are reproducing now. I've seen it myself on my travels. An amazing miracle truly. The harlings I've seen are enchanting, not least because their minds are so open to me they often fail to notice that I never speak except in their heads.

But why should Thiede be asking me such a question? I was too surprised to give him any answer besides an outpouring of my feelings -- confusion but also amazement.

Thiede looked away from me then, his brow furrowed in consideration.

"What is it?" I asked.

I couldn't help knowing what thoughts formed in his mind then. He wanted a to create a child with me.

I reached out and pulled him down on the bed with me.

"When did you realize this?" I asked him, stroking his hair.

"You have traveled, Moon," he told me. "You have seen the harlings. I know you love them."

It's true, I do love them, and so he knew from me it was true.

"I want to make a child for both of us, Moon."

Why? I knew I wanted it but I had to hear it from him. Why had he treated me as he had? Thiede had spoken against love so I doubted it was that, but what he was telling me...

"When I found you, you reminded me of myself," Thiede explained. "Not exactly the same, but I felt something then, a connection. And then when you became har and I was able to give you... a real life... I felt almost as if you were my child, moreso even than all hara are my children. You have always been a true friend to me, one of the few I've ever had. For years you have worn the responsibility I placed on you, knowing how valuable you could me to all our kind. Now I would like something different from you. An experiment of sorts, a change of pace. I have wanted this for years but I needed a someone I could trust. I know it must be you. Understand, this is not about becoming chesna with you. It is not about love, not the love of mankind. It is... something I want us to try. To make life, to make joy, to make a son."

"I will host the pearl?" I asked.

"If you would be willing. You know I could not do it, not with my traveling, not with what I have to manage. My life is still not my own and it never will be. I must live for all Wraeththudom..."

"Yes," I assured, "I understand. I have always understood. I know about you. I know this is what you want. I want it, too."

He turned to me then and took me in his arms. His breath was the breath of the universe. He filled with me his sound, his song, and finally, his seed.

Afterward I lay back feeling the energy wash through me, dwelling on the peculiar yet wonderful sensations deep within me. Thiede and I had become one and now our flesh would become one in a child.

He would be free, we decided, free from responsibilities to our people, a child to be cared for and nurtured. Thiede was building a great unified kingdom, he told me, and he had almost found the king. Our son would not be part of that. Our son would only be someone we would care for.

Suddenly a worry flared in me. What if our son was like me? Another deaf albino? Thiede laughed at my concern. I was beautiful and heard more clearly than other hara -- far more clearly. He gave me other assurances as well. I might not be able to remain in the palace but our small family would always be provided for in some fashion. I suggested it might be best if I went to another part of the world, far away where we would not be drawn into any of Thiede's politics or kingdoms. "After the pearl is born," Thiede told me. "Until then, you must not travel."

He stayed with me for a full week afterward, which surprised me. We were both very curious about the pearl. It was an experiment for both of us, an experiment in the name of friendship and hope.

It is seven weeks since that day. Soon it will be time. With every day I can feel the pearl more and more, not only its hardness inside of me, but its very essence. Of course I know what it is feeling and because I can, I let our son know how I am feeling. Lately it is not too well.

Two days ago I received a mind message, long, long distance, from Thiede. It came to me at lunchtime and my servant stared at me as I froze at the table, concentrating on the words. My servant thought I would be birthing the pearl, but I was only so startled, so disappointed.

Thiede, it seems, is facing a crisis, one that may take him away from me for a long time. Something to do with the future king of Wraeththu. He has not confided in me his whole plan and neither have I asked him to. I don't know what it is, only that Thiede will not be able to return. I will bear this pearl alone and then afterward, I will be taken to a place far away where I will begin a new life. I am sure I can do it, but still, I do wish he was here.

Perhaps this is a practice for the future. Thiede will not be here for my son and me. I don't mind it, as I grew up with only my mother and have overcome many difficulties in my life, but I do hope he is able to return someday, find me wherever I am. He can always find me and come, or if not, at least he can call. I will always be able to hear him.