Chapter 2

Pansea's Journal

Fate has a wonderful way of intervening at the most unexpected moments. I’m really amused with the little opportunity that dropped into my lap tonight.

I was by myself lying on one of the benches out at the hostling memorial. Honestly, I was out there feeling sorry for myself. I’d been out for a run around the grounds earlier, mainly because Lis was still pouting about fight and I just wasn’t ready to talk about it to him. I don’t usually stay mad at Lis for very long and while I was running I realized that I wasn’t really all that angry still. It’s more like I felt like I had the right to be angry and so I was indulging it just on principle.

I also know that as soon as I actually talk to Lis again, he’s probably going to apologize for everything and I’ll end up not being upset at all. But, I really need to use this situation as a way to convince Lis that he should let me stay on here and work at the school instead of sending me off somewhere. At the same time, I’m scared that he’ll tell me no and so I’m staying angry so that I can put off talking to him about it.

So, I was feeling sorry for myself because I’m angry and scared and usually when I’m upset about stuff I’d just go and talk to Lis but obviously that wouldn’t work in this case. And then I started noticing a bunch of voices. It was Queran with the harlings who were finished, or mostly finished, with their Feybraiah but who haven’t had their rituals yet.

I really didn’t envy Queran having to control that big group who’d all had their maturity hit at once and were now a big mess of hormones. At first I was just annoyed because I wanted to be alone and then I got nervous because I didn’t want to be noticed by these almost-hara because they’re usually either shockingly flirtatious or else so shy they won’t even look at you. Either way it’s unsettling and to make matters worse I was stripped down to just short pants (tacky Gelaming habit, Lis would say) because I got too hot running. So, I tried to sneak away before anyone saw me. But then one of them started calling out to me and I just froze. It was Ivy and when he ran over to me he looked so sweet and eager to talk to me that I felt bad about wanting to avoid them. After all if I’m going to stay here and work, I can’t shirk any of my duties.

So Ivy asked if he could sit with me and talk for a while and I looked over at Queran and he didn’t seem to mind so I let him. Then Ivy just kind of sat there and didn’t know what to say, so I asked him the pretty obvious questions about his Feybraiah and his ritual coming up. I swear getting him to open up was harder than pulling grass runners out of a flower bed. Finally I just gave up and asked him what it was he wanted to talk about.

Ivy looked like he wanted to hide under the bench but then he smiled in a really adorable little way and admitted that he wanted to talk about Lisia. At first I thought maybe he’d somehow overheard my argument with Lis and felt unsettled, but then he started asking questions and I realized that wasn’t the case. It was so cute. He asked me all sorts of things, lots of things that I’d never really thought about before but that I knew, like "How old is Lis," and "What’s his favorite flower … color … thing to eat … thing to do …?" "Does he like horses?" "Does he still miss the other hostlings?" "What’s Lis really like?"

I answered all the questions and I noticed that it looked like Queran was trying to corral his group to take them back inside. So I tried to make Ivy get to his point and I asked him why he had this sudden interest in Lis. And he stammered out some answer about how he had realized how much Lis had done for us all and he just wanted to get to know him better.

Then I asked Ivy why he hadn’t just talked to Lis himself and he answered that Lis was too busy right now with all the Feybraiah ceremonies on top of everything else and then he added that now he knew what things to talk to Lis about. I couldn’t help but laugh a little at that because I pictured this little almost-har trying to strike up a worldly conversation with Lis based on favorite colors. But then I just bit my lip because I didn’t want to be a big pretentious grown up to him when he was obviously feeling awkward.

I smiled and asked when he had made this decision to get to know Lisia better. He looked a little guilty and said yesterday. So I said, "Yesterday, eh" in a tone of voice that conveyed that I knew what was really going on and he just nodded at me. And I gave him a nice big smile and patted him on the shoulder and told him not to worry that I’d make sure that Lis found some time in his busy schedule to have a nice long talk with him tomorrow. His eyes got all big and he said, "Really?" like I’d just gotten him an audience with the Tigron. I swear he is just so precious – all sweetness and innocence.

This is just perfect. Now I have something to talk to Lis about other than our unfortunate little misunderstanding and he’ll probably be so distracted by this new development that he’ll forget all about that stupid har looking for consorts. He tried to hide it, but I remember last month when that other harling chose him for his first aruna, Lis was all flustered for at least a week and couldn’t keep his mind on anything. Plus, this will prove to Lis how helpful and insightful I am when it comes to the harlings, so it’ll be the perfect time to ask him about letting me join the staff.

Ivy's Journal entry

I think today has been the weirdest day in my entire life so far. Well, I guess this whole week has been the weirdest but today things got even more bizarre. I still can’t believe that happened. What on earth was Pansea thinking? All I know is that everything is suddenly so much more complicated than it was before. I sure hope being grown up gets easier soon. So far it’s just really weird and confusing.

First I had a meeting with Adoxa. He asked me if I had selected anyone yet for my first aruna. I felt kind of embarrassed then because most everyone else has someone that they really want. It’s not that I’m not looking forward to sharing aruna – I really am. It’s just that I don’t have a strong preference about who it’s going to be with.

I asked him if that meant something was wrong with me, like maybe I really wasn’t finished developing after all. But he said no, that it was perfectly fine for me not to have a preference. He said that it’s probably just because of my personality – because I’ve always tended to like all my lings and teachers and friends equally and because I’m so laid-back and easy-going. He said to just let him know if I decided on someone and if I didn’t he’d pick for me.

That was fine with me. I honestly couldn’t handle making a big decision like that with all that I’ve got on my mind about Lis. Even little decisions are frustrating. After I met with Adoxa, I had to meet with Summer to discuss what I want to wear for the celebration and flowers and decorations and all that stuff. Usually, most hara want to pick white stuff or pale stuff, but I thinks that’s dull so I picked bright colors like red and orange and yellow.

I thought I was going to go back to my room after that but then Crocus came by and told me that Lis wanted to talk to me in his office. I could hardly believe it. I knew Pansea said that he’d arrange something, but I didn’t think he really would. I figured he’d forget about it. At first I was a little nervous but then I got a really warm feeling of excitement in my stomach. I was going to go and talk with my very own hostling! I should have known that something had to go wrong. And by the Aghama did things really start to go wrong!

I guess I didn’t help matters with the fact that at first all I could do was grin like a fool instead of saying something intelligent. I just walked into that office and Lisia was standing there smiling at me and I felt like everything in the entire world was just perfect. And then Lis told me how I was growing into such a lovely, handsome young har.

When he said that I couldn’t help but stare at him and look for any little feature in his face or his build that was like mine. My eyes always have seemed to be a darker shade of green than Lis’ but I think that might be because my eyelashes are black and Lis’ are light. Other than that I think maybe our faces are kind of the same shape and our mouths are sort of alike. Mostly I must look like the soldier who was my father.

I must have been staring like an idiot for a while because Lis suddenly acted a little nervous and asked me if there was anything that I wanted to talk about. I knew I should come up with something to ask, but everything I could think of to say seemed stupid and I really wanted to sound intelligent – you know a har he could be proud of even if he didn’t know who I really was.

I guess I waited too long trying to think of something because then he started asking me questions – nice, thoughtful things. He asked how I was feeling and whether my feybraiah had been bad. Then he asked if I was still wanting to study ancient technologies after my caste training? That perked me up because I love talking about ancient tech. I told him that I definitely was and that after I had learned everything I needed to know I’d come and fix things at the school for free whenever anything broke. I could tell that Lis really appreciated that and it felt wonderful to see him smile because of something I said.

Once we started talking about all that stuff, I felt much better. I was nice and relaxed; it felt so nice to talk to Lis like that. But then things got weird. Lis asked me if there was anything I wanted talk to him about my Feybraiah celebration and what would happen after. I kind of shrugged and couldn’t think of anything. But he looked like he really wanted me to say something so after a while I just blurted out that I had asked for there to be tiger lilies on my honor table and that I know they’re his favorite flower. And Lis smiled but said that I shouldn’t pick his favorite, I should pick my own favorite. Then he looked at me all serious and said that I could have whatever I wanted for my Feybraiah if it could be provided.

There was another of those pauses then as if I was supposed to say something, but I really didn’t know what. Then Lis reached out and put his hand on my shoulder and said that he knew what it is I wanted and that I was too shy to ask. He said that Pansea had told him why I all of a sudden became interested in him and asked all those questions.

I think my mouth dropped open then and I said, "You know?" I was shocked. I could only figure that maybe Pansea had sneaked a peek at those records at one point. But Lis was looking at me in such a sweet, caring sort of way and I said, "So, you’re glad that you know? I thought you’d be upset if you found out." And then Lis said that it still felt a little strange to him, but he certainly wasn’t upset or offended.

I should have caught on then that we weren’t talking about the same thing I guess. Instead I said a bunch of stupid stuff about how I’d always loved him and that I didn’t want any special treatment more than the others because of this, but I would like to get to know him better.

Lis kind of laughed then and said that we’d get to know each other much better after my celebration. Then I started getting confused. I’m so dense sometimes. I said, "But won’t I be busy having my first aruna after my celebration?" And Lis just laughed and said, well that is what we’re talking about isn’t it.

I felt as if all my insides had just been hollowed out in a single instant. I don’t really remember for sure what all I said after that but I realized how things had gotten all mixed up and I told Lis that Pansea was wrong and I didn’t choose him for my first partner. I told him that I really, really just had questions about him because I was curious. I told him maybe it was something about not being a harling anymore and having a new appreciation for everything he’d done for us. Basically, I was just rambling then and saying anything I could to get out of the situation.

Lisia actually looked relieved too. He said that he was very glad we had talked and was sorry if he’d embarrassed me because of the miscommunication. I told him it was fine and by then I had an awful headache from it all and used that as an excuse to leave.