Chapter 3

Pansea’s Journal

Why does everything have to go wrong all at once? Well, I guess that’s an exaggeration, but it certainly feels that way. First the fight with Lis and then my totally disastrous attempt to prove my value by shoving Ivy at him for his Feybr. Celebration. I feel like such an idiot. How could I have been so wrong? I thought I understood how the harlings feel.

Then again Lis couldn’t figure him out either. After all, he told me that Ivy probably wanted me for his first aruna partner but was too shy to ask properly and started asking about Lis as an ice-breaker. I still felt like an idiot at the time but at least I had the sweet consolation that Ivy wanted me.

Or so I thought. Even though I was embarrassed about my earlier mistake with him, I went out of my way to make myself available so that he could ask me outright. But, he never did. Thank the Aghama I didn’t relinquish all pride and actually ask him about it. Instead I just had casual conversations about whatever innocent topic flitted into my mind. Then after a few days he told me that he’d gotten permission to have Adoxa take him through the ritual. I swear he sounded apologetic when he told me and that just made me feel even worse.

I mean why should he feel apologetic. He should have whoever it is that he really wants. It’s not his fault if the rest of us are too dumb to figure out who that person is supposed to be. Sure, I’d been flattered when I thought I would be the one, but that’s just because it’s a real honor. I’ve already done it twice before anyway and I’m sure I’ll do it again since we’re such a comparatively small group out here.

I guess I just really had my heart on doing this for Ivy because I felt so bad about misunderstanding him and I certainly know how it feels to have someone assume the wrong things about what you want. It’s selfish of me to want to be with Ivy for that reason though. I can’t make things up to him if he doesn’t care enough to want to be made up to. And it’s for the best that he got who he really wanted for his first aruna. I’m sure it went really well. The few times I’ve seen him in the past week since the ceremony he’s looked wonderful – very happy and just glowing with health and enthusiasm. He deserves it – he’s such a sweet little har.

Ivy’s Journal

Wow! That’s the one word that keeps coming up in my head over and over again. Wow. I still feel like I’m living in some sort of a bizarre dream world, but at least now I have my caste training to keep me somewhat focused. Of course caste training is kind of a like a bizarre new dream world too, but I’m relieved to find out that it’s not as hard as I thought it would be.

Thank goodness for that since my life had been confusing enough lately. I’m really glad that I chose Adoxa for my first partner. He’s exactly what I needed – calm and kind and wise and stable. The aruna itself was pretty much everything I expected which was perfect. Adoxa was very gentle and explained everything happening and made sure that we did things the way I wanted (even though I really didn’t know what to want).

Really the scariest part of this whole situation wasn’t the big Feybraiah night. I was much more nervous about the training that would come later. I knew that I’d have to let Adoxa into my mind and I figured I wouldn’t be able to hide what I knew about Lisia. Of course I tried holding back when we began the lessons. I was pretty miserable because the first parts of the training were with the whole group who’d come through feybr. together and I was nervous that Adoxa would say something about me doing it wrong in front of everyone.

Fortunately when we got to that part, he worked with each of us sort away from the rest of the group. Right away Adoxa sighed and said that we wouldn’t get anywhere with me purposefully fighting him the way I was. After trying a little while longer he gave up and told me to see him after the lessons.

At the time I was relieved but then when I stayed behind the first thing he did was scold me! He told me that he hoped I wasn’t thinking that I’d get special treatment because we’d shared aruna together. I swore to him that wasn’t my thinking at all. He believed me and right away was back to being really nice which is the way he usually is. He invited me to come and get comfortable on the cushions with him and then he asked me why I was afraid to share my mind and assured me that there wasn’t anything in my head that I should feel embarrassed about. I told him that I wanted to share but that I had a secret to keep and that it was very important. He asked me some more questions and I could tell that he was a little concerned, so I assured him that my secret wasn’t anything bad at all. I told him it was something very wonderful but that I had to keep it to myself.

He seemed relieved but not really satisfied and he was telling me how I’d have to relax and trust him. And then all of a sudden he stopped in mid sentence and started smiling at me. I looked at him kind of funny and then he reached over and gave me a pat on my hand and said, "Of course. I’ve been an idiot. It’s your birth hostling isn’t it? You found out that it’s Lisia."

I just sat there with my mouth hanging open and then I felt panicked that I’d let it slip to him in my thoughts somehow. Just as I was asking him how he knew, he told me he’d just put two and two together and come to the obvious conclusion. Then I had to smile at how smart he was. Adoxa was the one who’d taken me up to the office that day when I decided I wanted to see my records. If I had a wonderful secret that had to be it.

He promised me right away that my secret was safe with him and then asked if I would cooperate with my training from then on. I agreed right away and I was so glad to have the secret off my chest that my eyes got a little watery. Adoxa just gave me a great big hug and we talked for a long while so that I could tell him all about how I’d been feeling. I’m such a lucky har – not only do I have the very best hostling in the world but the best instructor too.

Pansea’s Journal

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve just been feeling so hopeless and disgusted with myself lately. I feel like I just can’t do anything right and maybe I should just give up on working here. But, I really don’t want to give up. The sensible part of me knows that every har makes mistakes sometimes. I just need to learn from this experience.

And it’s not like any harm was done. Lis is so busy that he seems to have forgotten the embarrassing misunderstanding already. And Ivy certainly seems unaffected. Whenever we talk he seems very happy. Adulthood certainly suits him. I don’t know why I didn’t notice it before, but he really is one of the most beautiful hara I’ve seen. I remember at his celebration he was just breathtaking – so vivid and alive and somehow more real than any of the others his age. The others all looked so fragile and ephemeral in their lacy white frills and ribbons and roses. Ivy is different. It’s not that he’s not exotic and sublime, but he’s tangible. It’s like you can’t look at him without instinctively knowing what it’s like to touch him or hold him or taste him.

Not that I have, of course. He may be tangible but he’s still not within my reach. I guess I can’t blame him for not wanting me. He’s far to good-hearted to hold it against me that I put him into that embarrassing situation with Lis. He’s the sort of har who takes things like that in stride; very even-tempered and well humored. But at the same time he must think I’m a fool. Of course he wouldn’t have wanted me for his Feybraiah. The whole point is to have someone wise and sensitive to guide the younger har. And the very first thing I did was to try and lead poor Ivy totally astray because I was too preoccupied with my own problems.

Pansea’s Journal

I can’t seem to stop thinking about Ivy all the time. I wonder if this is what it’s like when a har coming of age doesn’t get to have who he wants for his first aruna? I almost feel like I’m becoming obsessed. It’s even worse now that he’s in lessons all the time with Adoxa (not that I’m jealous because I know that is wrong) and I never get to see him.

Even when I do see him, he only seems interested in talking and being friendly like he’d be with any other har from Harling Gardens. But, I want more than that from him. I have to admit that this is all new to me. Honestly, hara are usually very eager for my attention. I really can’t explain Ivy’s indifference. I mean I know I’m attractive. I know I’m fun. I’ve never had a hard time convincing anyone to share aruna with me. Winsome is what some har called me once and I’ve always liked that description. But, it’s different with Ivy. I don’t just want aruna; I want to really get to know him. I want to be close to him and know all about him. I want him to know all about me and hear him say that he thinks I’m special and I want to really be special for him.

Pansea’s Journal

I was wandering around the building today (moping around if I’m being honest) and I saw Effrana. "You need something to do," he said. I didn’t argue a bit. He motioned for me to follow him and before I knew it I was his official teacher’s aide! I’m really enjoying it a lot. I know Effrana doesn’t really need the help that much but he’s wanting to free up some more time to write up curriculum outlines for the adult education programs that are being planned.

Personally, I’m very grateful. I love being in the classroom and explaining things or answering questions. I don’t even mind checking over the schoolwork, which is probably a lot of what I’ll be doing. Effrana and I stayed down in the room several hours after lessons were over so that he could show me everything I’d need to know. I told him how much I appreciated it and only felt a slight twinge when I realized I’d missed my chance to try sitting near Ivy at dinner.

Effrana’s pretty sharp though and asked me what was troubling me so I confided in him about how I couldn’t seem to make Ivy interested in me. He just laughed and said that my black cloud was probably frightening him away. I had no idea what he was talking about and then he told me how it was an old image of how when someone was feeling gloomy a black cloud hovered around just over that person. He then went on to say that I was being so hard on myself about a silly misunderstanding that it was making other people want to keep away.

I thought about it and realized that it made perfect sense. I’d been feeling sorry for myself way too much. I don’t like being around people like that, so why on earth should Ivy? But now things are looking up. I have something useful to contribute to the school by helping Effrana. Maybe that will make my black cloud finally go away. I know I can do this. I can convince Lis to let me stay here and I can convince Ivy to like me. I’ve just been giving up too easily and that’s all wrong. I just need to quit worrying and be myself. That’s always worked in the past. I just need to be confident. I need to be winsome.