Chapter 5

Ivy’s Journal

Adoxa asked me the strangest thing today while we were having our Agma manipulation lesson. He asked me if Pansea and I were chesna! I was so taken aback that I just sat there with my mouth hanging open for a few moments. I told him of course not. I just had my Feybraiah; I’m way too young to be chesna with anyone.

He didn’t seem convinced and pointed out that I hadn’t been spending time with any other hara for weeks and that I seemed very distracted. I admit that I may have been a little distracted but I think it’s unfair for Adoxa to say that I’m any more distracted than the other hara my age. They’re constantly preoccupied with who they want to have aruna with next. If anything my life is a lot less complicated because I’m really content to just have aruna with Pansea.

It’s not like we’re talking about bonding or anything. It’s just that we’ve become very good friends and right now we’re having too much fun to really think much about being around anyone else. And Pansea makes me feel so wonderful. Why should I go through the trouble of flirting with other hara who can’t possibly make me feel as good anyway? It just seems stupid to have aruna with lots of partners just for the sake of variety.

Adoxa didn’t really argue with me or say anything negative, but he had that look on his face that told me that he’s not sure whether he approves. I really care about what Adoxa thinks and I hope that I don’t disappoint him, but I really don’t think that this is his business anyway. If he says anything again, I just may have to point out that he almost sounds jealous.

Ivy’s Journal

Why must things always become so confusing? Everything seemed so perfect and now Pansea has gone and done something terrible. Well, I suppose terrible is a bit strong, but it is bad. I mean we’ve been told that it’s not right.

But I’d swear before the Tigron that I didn’t think what we were doing was wrong. It all seemed to happen so fast and with no warning. I was lying on my stomach on the picnic blanket eating an apple and looking at the base of tree metal tree that we’d sunk into the clearing. I made some comment about reinforcing it against the wind and winter ice. And then Pansea sounded very serious and said that he didn’t want to talk about the garden today. He said that he had something important to tell me even though he wasn’t sure that he should say anything. I turned and looked at him and I was a little worried for just a second but then I figured that he was just being dramatic.

He took a deep breath and then he said that he was in love with me! I felt like everything I’d just eaten turned to lead inside my stomach. I think I just sat there staring at him and I tried not to panic. I told him that he was not in love with me and that it was just his imagination. But then he said that he understood if I didn’t feel the same way, but that he was positive that he was in love with me and he started talking about how he thought about me all the time and always wanted to be near me and do things just to make me happy.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him that we both knew good and well that there was no place for those sorts of feelings in Wraeththu. I mean if we were older and decided that we wanted to be partners for a while and maybe make harlings then we could be chesna, but even that isn’t really the same as being in love. Being in love was like being insane for someone. It meant being selfish and possessive and primitive. That was the sort of thing that made the humans destroy each other.

Of course I was hurting Pansea to say these things and I didn’t want to hurt him. But I had to do it. I had to make him see reason. And then he started to cry and I felt so horrible. It was the most awful thing in the world to see him cry and know that I was the one causing it. And I have to admit that deep down it seemed more wrong to say those things to him than what he was saying to me.

I looked at him and even crying he looked so beautiful and fragile. He’s so gorgeous out in the sun; it shines on his hair and makes it gleam the most beautiful red-gold. He didn’t seem so much older than me anymore and all I wanted to do was put my arms around him and tell him that it was all right. I wanted to wipe the tears away and put my hands in his hair and pull him to me and share breath and not ever let go.

But it scared me that I wanted to do those things. I knew that I should be upset with him about what he said and I knew that if I gave into what I was really feeling it would just make it all worse and I’d be encouraging him. So, I told him that I didn’t want anything to change between us but that I could not let him say anything about love ever again. I said we should spend some time apart until he started to think clearly again. And then, even though it hurt very much, I got up and I left.

If only he hadn’t put together that beautiful picnic lunch and made things so nice and romantic out by our garden then maybe he wouldn’t have started thinking these crazy things. It’s funny how I’ve started to think of it as our garden when the whole point of it was to be an example of what I could do with landscaping. Instead I had started to think of how it’s a great example of what a good team Pansea and I make. I guess maybe the way I’m thinking goes to show that Adoxa was right after all.

Pansea’s Journal

I feel so wretched. I told Ivy that I love him. He did not respond the way I’d hoped at all. He looked so horrified. At first I thought that I must have been crazy and that Ivy felt nothing for me at all. That hurt so very much. I just wanted the earth to open and swallow me up. I wanted to lay down and die.

I’m not ashamed to say that I cried. Who wouldn’t cry? Ivy could have just as soon cut open my chest with a knife and pulled out my heart and then dropped in the dirt, like he did with his apple when he walked away from me.

Somehow I found the strength to pull myself together enough to pick up our things and go back to Effrana to finish working for the day. I thought for sure that Effrana would notice something was wrong and ask me. But if he could tell that I was upset or that I’d been crying, he didn’t say anything.

Part of me is angry with myself for having said anything at all to Ivy. But I had to tell him. I couldn’t keep something like that a secret. Especially since I know that I have to go to Immanion at the end of the season for more studies. I was hoping that Ivy would agree to come with me and I thought that telling him that I loved him would convince him. I’d been thinking about it all morning while I was putting the lunch together. I knew I had to say something.

And I know that he feels the same way. I feel it from him when we share breath and when we take aruna. I know he loves me too, but he’s too stubborn to admit it. He’s so convinced that love is something bad. I guess maybe there is some truth to that because it is certainly hurting me now. I wish I knew what to do. I’m so afraid that I’ve lost him forever now.

Pansea’s Journal

I decided to talk to Lis about what has happened with Ivy. I couldn’t sleep and it wasn’t all that late so I crept out into the hall to see if the light was on in Lis’ room. It was so I knocked on the door very softly.

Lis was reading and I felt a little bad for disturbing him, but he said it was all right. I was relieved. Lis always makes time for me and I’m very grateful. I sat on the foot of his bed and poured out everything to him. I even started crying again and Lis hugged me and held my hand. He didn’t judge me or give me advice except when I asked him whether I had done the right thing.

He was pretty objective about it even though I know he really sympathizes with me. He said that it’s never wrong to be honest about feelings but that I should have considered Ivy’s feelings first. He reminded me that even though Ivy is a grown har, he’s still very young hasn’t had the chance to really explore his own ideas about things like love.

I insisted that Ivy loves me too and Lis said that he thinks I’m right, but that those feelings might feel wrong to Ivy because he has primarily been reared in such an Aghamist atmosphere. I hadn’t really thought about it from Ivy’s point of view but I guess it’s very different for him than for hara like Lis and me. We’ve had more years not knowing about the Aghama or the outside world than otherwise.

I’ve talked to Lis about my beliefs before though I don’t usually discuss it as much with anyone else. I don’t really believe in things the same as the younger hara. I mean I believe in the story of the Aghama more or less and of course I believe in the power of Wraeththu. I’ve had caste training and been to Immanion after all. But I just don’t believe every little thing that the Hienamas say. Like I don’t believe that it’s wrong to fall in love or that I have to always be balanced between being ouana and soume.

Even before the Gelaming came, I was always a little different. I asked lots of questions and I tended to believe in my own feelings instead of what the teachers and administrators told me. It’s so funny that I always wanted something more than just being a hostling at the facility and yet now I want to stay here more than anything. I realized something right then and I told it to Lis. I think that the something more that I wanted all along was love.

Lis smiled at me and said that he thought I was absolutely right about that. I knew that Lis would understand. He doesn’t believe that love is wrong either and he’s the most sensible har that I’ve ever met. Of course I also know that even Lis isn’t completely perfect. He told me about the secret relationship he had while he was a hostling. But he told me that even though that relationship turned out to be bad there was nothing wrong with having a personal attachment to one particular har. And, I’m not so stupid that I don’t know good and well that Lis has one of those personal attachments again, even if Lis doesn’t realize it yet!

I feel better after talking to Lis, but I still need to find a way to convince Ivy that it’s okay for us to love each other. I asked Lis if he would talk to him because I know that Ivy thinks very highly of him. Lis said that it would be better if Ivy worked this out for himself, but that maybe he’d talk to him after a while if things didn’t get any better. He also told me that even if Ivy loves me just as much as I love him, he might not want to come with me to Immanion and I should not pressure him to do so.

I guess I can’t ask for anything more than that and I know that Lis is right about Immanion. Ivy really would be better off in Galhea for the studies that he wants to pursue. It’s just so frustrating. I wish that I could make Ivy see things the way that I do and not believe every little thing that Adoxa is teaching him. But, I know that it’s wrong for me to want to change Ivy. Part of what I love about him is that he has faith in things whereas I’m always worrying and questioning. I just wish that things weren’t so hard.

Ivy’s Journal

It’s been nearly a week since Pansea told me that he loves me. I’ve been avoiding him but I have to admit that secretly I’m constantly wishing that he would come to me. I can’t describe how miserable I feel. I’m so unhappy without him. I feel so alone. My head aches all the time. I don’t have any energy. I just want to sleep all the time but then I keep waking up in the middle of the night with this panicked feeling that I’ve lost something. It’s obvious that something is wrong with me and I hate to admit it but I think I know what it is. I love Pansea too.

So now I just need to decide whether to go to him and tell him and let things be the way they were before. Or, I could continue to stay away from him like I should and just hope that this feeling goes away. I think maybe it will get easier as time goes by. I know that Pansea is supposed to go to Immanion in a few months. I was dreading it before and now it hurts more than ever. But I can’t help but feel like maybe if he’s far away I won’t feel like this anymore.

But at the same time, it seems so stupid that we should both be so sad and miserable by staying apart when we’d be so happy if it were just okay for us to love each other. I keep remembering how happy I was before whenever I spent time with Pansea and how when we shared aruna together it felt so perfect. And I feel so miserable now and it terrifies me to think that I’ll never again be able to be happy like I was before.

Ivy’s Journal

I did it. I went to Pansea’s room last night and confessed that I loved him too and that I couldn’t stand being apart from him. It was an intense reunion. Naturally we took aruna together to mark the occasion. Pansea really surprised me, taking the lead and assuming the ouana role with much more enthusiasm than usual.

I like that he can still surprise me. Now that Pansea and I are together again, being love doesn’t seem quite as scary as it did before. It’s more of an adventure now. And I have to admit that once I gave in to it, it’s incredibly erotic. There’s this feeling that we’re doing something, not wrong, but very daring or unconventional. It’s exciting, but I still have my moments of doubt.

I’m nervous about my caste lesson tomorrow. I feel that I should tell Adoxa what has happened. I suspect that it’s going to hold me back in reaching a higher caste, like maybe that’s another reason why we are discouraged from loving. I wonder if this is kind of how the hostlings felt when they used to break the old rules? Of course this is completely different. I know that no one will punish me for what I’ve done. I haven’t broken any law. I don’t even think that Adoxa will be angry, but I think he’ll be disappointed and he’ll worry and I don’t want that because that will make me worry too.

But no matter how Adoxa acts, at least I can take comfort in knowing that Lisia approves. Pansea told me so and it makes me feel so wonderful. I am very tempted to tell Pansea about Lis being my hostling. I don’t want to be keeping a secret like that from him and I know that he will be very excited to learn the truth. I think it will make us even closer. But I’m going to wait. I think I will tell Pansea eventually, but right now I just want to concentrate on loving him and figuring out what we will do next. Things are complicated enough and there’s no real reason to add to it.

Pansea’s Journal

Lately Lis has a habit of telling me exactly what I don’t want to hear. I went to him in such high spirits to tell him how Ivy had come around all on his own and told me that he loves me. Lis was very happy for us but then he immediately had to bring up the one thing that I did not want to think about. I’m leaving.

Of course I immediately asked if I could put it off and he said no. I said maybe I could find a place closer to Harling Gardens at which to study and he said no. That really irritated me, but Lis is the one who does all the work to place us in jobs and apprenticeships and higher schools, so I guess I have no place to argue. Lis worked hard to set up my studies in Immanion.

At the time we first discussed it, I was looking forward to going back there and seeing the friends I’d made. I was excited about learning new things and putting myself in position to come back here and be an actual instructor at the new hara school. But I’d gladly give up all of that just to stay with Ivy. If only there was a way to earn my place at Harling Gardens without having to go away first.

Ivy’s Journal

Adoxa took my revelation about Pansea better than I’d expected. I guess being wise as he is, he probably knew all along what I was feeling even if I did not. He didn’t tell me that what I was feeling was contrary to the teachings of Aghamism, even though we both know that it is. He just warned me to be careful because even a feeling as pure as love can lead to great pain.

I told him that we would be careful not to forsake the basic principles of Wraeththu by becoming jealous or selfish or possessive. Adoxa just made one of those skeptical faces and said that would be easier said than done when Pansea had to go to Immanion and I went to study in Galhea.

I hadn’t forgotten about that, but suddenly, when Adoxa said it out loud if hurt. I’m going to have to go through all of that pain again when Pansea leaves and I just can’t imagine facing it. In an instant I knew what I must do. I’ll have to go to Immanion with Pansea.

Pansea’s Journal

I love Ivy so much. He’s truly the most wonderful, remarkable, beautiful har. Today he told me that if we can manage it, he wants to come to Immanion with me. He said that he has enough money saved from last winter’s share of knitting earnings and whatever to pay for his passage if he travels very cheaply. Then he’ll get a job there to pay for a place to live. He won’t be able to have lessons or continue his training unless we could convince Lis to find something for him, but we both know that the fields of study in which Ivy wanted to specialize are not generally taught in Immanion. He could probably continue his study of landscaping, but ancient technologies are nowhere to be found in the magical Gelaming city.

I get this warm and tingling feeling inside me whenever I think of what Ivy has volunteered to do just to be with me. I have to admit that I’m very tempted – it would be the perfect solution. Except that I know deep down that Ivy doesn’t really want to go to Immanion. And I know that he will be very sad to give up ancient technologies education. He’s spoken so often about all of the work and improvements he wants to come back and make here at Harling Gardens. It is my dream (and his too, I think) that we can both come back and work here once Lis opens his school for hara.

There are very few hara who understand the details of the wires and pipes that men left behind. And almost no young hara from our generation have much interest in taking up those studies. Ivy could do so much more good here and even elsewhere in Megalithica than he could simply gardening in Immanion. As much as it hurts, I know that I cannot let him give up his dream to follow me.

Pansea’s Journal

I went to Lis today to plead my case. I knew he would be angry but I also felt sure that he would understand. I told him that I wanted to study in Galhea instead of in Immanion.

Lisia was not happy. He said that he wouldn’t stop me if that’s what I chose to do, but that I was being irresponsible and selfish. That really made me angry and I pointed out that I was being the opposite of selfish by going to Galhea. I was doing this for Ivy even though if I really had my choice, Ivy would come with me to Immanion instead.

But Lis told me that I wouldn’t learn as much in Galhea as I could in Immanion. He said that it might be selfless towards Ivy, but I would be stealing from my own potential and thereby denying my best to all of the hara that I could otherwise help here at the school. Lis said that he wasn’t sure if he could really let me work here in good conscience if I wouldn’t finish my studies in Immanion.

I knew that it might come to this and I felt terrible. I didn’t want to disappoint Lis and I didn’t want to give up on my goals. But I truly do love Ivy. I told this to Lis and I even got all weepy again.

Lis said that it was fine for us to love each other, but that if we were going to make such rash decision we may as well be blood-bonded. I asked what was wrong with that and Lis was so shocked that he had to sit down. He was really flustered, which is unusual. He told me that we were too young to bond, especially Ivy. I pointed out that lots of hara were bonding young, especially here in Megalithica. I started to bring up how Lord Swift wasn’t much older than Ivy when he was bonded to Lord Seel, but Lis cut me off before I could even finish. He said that was a special circumstance and that he’d get Lord Swift on the thought transference until to tell me personally how foolish Ivy and I were being.

I’m sure Lis would have really done it too. But, I didn’t need him to go that far. I suppose I knew the right choice all along. Even if I don’t believe in every little teaching of Aghamism, I know what the truly Wraeththu path is. Ivy and I must part even though it will be painful. We each have to pursue our own paths and reach the peak of our potential. Only then will we truly be worthy of the love we feel for one another.

Ivy’s Journal

It’s taken a long time, but I have finally come to terms with Pansea leaving for Immanion. For over a month I’ve been too sad to do anything including write in this journal and before that I was spending all of my time with Pansea. I lost interest in everything else. Adoxa even stopped giving me caste lessons because I couldn’t concentrate.

When Pansea first told me that he’d decided we must each continue with our original study plans, I was furious. I felt like he was rejecting me and that even though he’d been the first to voice his feelings, it seemed obvious that he could not possibly love me as much as I love him. And I told him so and was so angry that I wouldn’t speak to him for two days.

Then one day while I was sulking in my room, Lis came knocking on my door. Even upset as I was, I was pleased. This was the first time that Lis had ever sought me out and it made me feel so special. Of course he came to plead Pansea’s case. He told me how horribly upset Pansea was by what I’d said and how much he really did love me. I knew that Lis was right. I told him that really I was more hurt than angry by then but I’d been so afraid that what I’d said was true – that Pansea really didn’t love me as much as I loved him – that I couldn’t go to him. Lis stayed with me for a long while and we talked well into the night. He promised me that being apart would not mean that Pansea and I loved each other any less. He said it would just make us stronger. I hope that he’s right.

I went to Pansea after that and apologized. We made the very most of what time we had left before Pansea went away. I have to smile looking back on how much aruna we shared in those last days – at times it seemed like we were trying to fit in everything that we would miss over the next two years. The last day was so special that I cannot even find the words for it.

But as special as that time was, I was still afraid. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and that when Pansea left I would definitely fall. So much has changed this past year. I found out that I have a hostling, though I can’t tell him. I’ve become an adult. I’ve begun my caste training but then had to choose between those teachings and my heart. And then even after I was willing to sacrifice everything to be with my chesna, I find that I must suffer separation after all.

Surprisingly, it was Adoxa who has finally given me the strength I need to move past all of this anguish. I feared that I had forever lost the friendship I had with him when he turned me out one afternoon and sadly said that I could not continue caste training until I stopped grieving. I felt as if I was being rejected once and for all and that he had finally passed judgment on me. I know now that this is not what he had intended.

Earlier this week, I was sitting out in the garden Pansea and I made and Adoxa suddenly walked up beside me. He’d never come out there before and I was incredibly surprised. He sat down on the grass with me and began talking to me. I honestly can’t remember what he said at first because I was too wrapped up in my own troubles. Then he told me something that I will never forget. He said that there was an ancient saying that he learned when he was still a human boy that was very true, even among Wraeththu. It goes like this: If you love something set it free. If it returns to you then it is yours to love forever. If it does not return then the love was not true.

I very much like what Adoxa said. I began to think of this separation as a test or a training exercise and that gives me the strength to meet the challenge. I also know that Pansea only wanted the very best for both of us in making the choice that he did. That is clear to me now and I feel a sudden burst of inspiration to make the most of these two years. In just the few days since we spoke, I’ve begun to finish my caste studies. I also started to renew my relationships with my lings, who I really have neglected since becoming chesna with Pansea. I’ve gotten some of them to help me with the art trees for my garden and I’m very excited by the plans we’ve made. I’d forgotten how wonderfully talented my lings are and I know that together we’re making something truly inspiring.

I went to see Lis yesterday and we’ve finalized my course of study. As soon as I complete my studies with Adoxa and am raised to Brynie then I’m to travel to Galhea to apprentice with a har there who will teach me more about electricity and plumbing and carpentry.

I still miss Pansea every day, but what Lisia told me before was right. Being apart does not make me love him any less. It just makes me appreciate him more. I know that even if it hurts, these next two years will make us both very strong. I don’t regret anything that has happened and I know in my heart that when all of this is over, Pansea and I will be together again and we’ll be better hara than before. Then we’ll be able to make Harling Gardens a more wonderful place and we’ll be a true family together and with Lisia, our hostling.