Chapter 3: Rev

So now you see how I was born and how, from the first moment almost, they were all worried about me. By the time I got older, they had hidden it all away, acting more or less like I was normal, but eventually the worry came out again. Let me write a little bit about how that happened.

I was born on my mother's farm, where she lived with Jana and my father Martin. A few others worked there, mostly hara, coming in from homes nearby but not on the actual property. We were pretty isolated, on our own, and I think I was quite a handful for my mother, who often gave me to Jana. Things got a little harder when I was a few months old, as my father went away to be incepted. He actually lived elsewhere until I was almost two years old, as he had to be trained and also wanted to be around other hara, even if he was coming back.

After he returned I got to be a lot more socialized. Martin decided that rather than living all alone on all that land, we should expand on the house and build houses around it so all the workers could live closer in and have more of a community. I think he was just a bit lonely and tired of always riding off to see his friends, but anyway it turned out very nice. Since my earliest memories come from after all that was built, I don't remember the lonely part, only the part with lots of others. We still had our little family, but we also had a lot of group things, like big dinners and a riding festival, sharing chores.

Of course, having all these hara around, it wasn't surprising I didn't really understand about humans and hara. It's not that I thought they were the same, but I just didn't really understand the difference quite. For example, I knew my mother and Jana were "women" but on the other hand, Arsen looked a lot like Jana and had a harling who looked about the same as me. Also I really didn't see "men" to compare hara with, so it wasn't like the difference stood out.

Meanwhile all along, I just assumed I was like everybody else. It's strange to me now when I think about, because there were always signs I wasn't the same -- that I was human and that I was not a boy, though I sort of thought I was. The real problem with everything was the fact that nobody every really told me it, just assumed I knew -- which I didn't really.

For example, everybody has always used the word "shar" around me. My mother, instead of saying "he," "she," "his," or "her" would say "shar" and from that, everybody else did the same thing. She was very insistent about this, stopping anyone who said "he," although I didn't know why. I remember as I got older it occurred to me that they only ever used that word talking about me. At the time, I asked Martin about it. He told me they used it because I was "special" and needed a special word. When I asked him why I was "special" he only told me I would find out someday, probably on my own. Later I wished I had tried harder to find out.

There were other signs but I didn't really see them until very, even though they were pretty clear. It sounds ridiculous now I always wondered, for example, why and how the other harlings (I thought I was one!) could pee standing up, while for me that didn't really work well. When other harlings my same age started to grow faster, I thought I was only staying small because my father was small. When it was noticed that I called myself a "harling," they tried to tell me I wasn't, only I wouldn't believe it so I just stopped saying it out loud.

Eventually things like this started to pile up on me. Everybody was nice and I really loved my family and the people on the farm, but still, I started to feel things weren't quite right. I was doing all the normal things, chores around the house, being taught to read, playing games, but I started to get this lurking feeling that I wasn't normal -- or was it "special"? It wasn't a really strong bad feeling, just something I felt from time to time. Then I'd think of something else and forget it for a while.

It was Feybraiah that really clued me in. There were a bunch of harlings I had known since I was little and one by one, they suddenly all were bigger than me and then eventually were going through Feybraiah. It was explained to me what was happening, that they were turning into full-grown hara. They told me that happens at around seven or eight years old. So I watched a few harlings and then I thought, "OK, it's my turn soon." I was between seven and eight. Honestly I really thought it was going to happen. Everybody just assumed I knew. Even Martin, who really should have known to tell me, assumed I knew I was human, although nobody ever said it. I was a "shar."

Time went on and I didn't have any Feybraiah. I was so obviously a child, unlike my friends who were now hara. Even harlings that were younger than me were bigger. I started marking up a calendar, thinking more and more that I was really late. By the time I was nine I was worrying about this constantly and after one Feybraiah celebration too many, I got very upset and went to my mother about it. When I told her, she could not believe I didn't know!

I was so confused when she told me and then when she brought in Martin, it got worse. Together they told me about all the things I was supposed to understand, like humans and hara and inception. Being told I wasn't a harling was quite enough, but then I got the other news, about men and women. Martin, finally trying to be clear with me, explained about inception and how it had changed him. He even told me the whole story of Thiede. I listened to him and even though it as a few years ago, I remember saying "But I think... I think I'm like that now! I'm like Thiede!"

This was when they finally decided it was too much for them and summoned Uli. He is the healer for the tirtha and somebody who had always come for the Feybraiah celebrations, who came to dinner, who was a good, good friend to my parents. Once Uli arrived, my parents had me talk and explain some of my questions and feelings to him. The next thing I knew, he was telling me take off my clothes. I didn't do it at first because I wanted to know why. He looked at my parents and said simply that it was about time they had a look at me, rather than leaving things a mystery.

Since I wasn't a baby anymore and dressed myself, nobody had seen me without clothes for quite a while. I wasn't exactly ashamed but it as still weird. They had me lie on the carpet and then Uli very gently started to look at me. Obviously I don't have to say what he was looking at. After having me shift around a bit, he told me he was going to have to touch me. This was something where he was going to be a doctor. He lifted things up, moved things over, and did a lot of prodding. He even did some prodding where he had me breathe out and he pressed his hands on top of me, so he could feel my insides.

After that he and my father told me to wait a bit and went off to talk in the next room. I was feeling so confused by then. My mother told me to sit up and hugged me, telling me it was going to be all right. She didn't sound very sure though. Finally the hara came back and said there was one more thing they wanted to do: an internal exam. As soon as they explained it, I knew I didn't want them to do it. My mother was also opposed and started to argue, saying it would be too uncomfortable and they didn't have the right tools on hand, that I was too young. I tended to agree with my mother since I just wanted the whole thing to be over.

Well, they ended it but of course that wasn't the end. Instead it was the beginning of them telling me the truth. I think they really had meant to tell me but nobody could decide when or how or what to say, so nobody had said anything. That left me pretty confused, so they had to undo a lot of what I'd been thinking. They explained to me about human adolescence and how it differs from Feybraiah. They also told me they didn't know what would happen to me. And they didn't know if...

I am getting to the end of this now and I really still don't want to write it out BUT I will do it and say that they don't know if I can be incepted. Six months ago they finally did the internal exam on me. Beside my "boy" parts (which are a sort of small, plus with one missing testicle), I have something like a vagina, although there doesn't seem to be anything at the end of it. Uli does think I may have ovaries, though; he thinks he can feel them when he does an external exam. A girl would be killed by inception.

But what am I? Should I stay this way? Should I just stay a boy? What should I do? Those questions went round and round, among my family and in my own head. Finally they asked me what I wanted. It was to be my choice. I had to think about it hard, but given all the options, choosing inception was almost easy. I mean, I used to think I was har. I don't think I want to be the only "boy" either. I'd like to do what my father did. When I told him that, he told me he was really worried, but then Uli said not to be, so I don't know who's right.

What are my options though? For staying just as I am, they are really not sure what would happen to me. Several hara and my mother have told me I might develop problems from not having the right hormones. She also said that based on what Uli learned in the exam, "sex" (human aruna, though my father says it's not at all the same) might be difficult thing for me... and who exactly could I have it with anyway? "Sex" isn't everything but when you're surrounded by hara, to whom it's obviously important, you want to be able to be part of it. As for being a woman, I guess partially I am but I can't have children and right now don't look it, so it's not really a choice. I think that I could be more woman as a har than I am now!

Now that I right that all out, I feel better. Yes, there's a risk, a lot higher than usual, that the inception could kill me. It's unknown that nobody knows -- and Uli has asked all around, not just in the tirtha but around Gimrah. They don't know. But I hope it works. And if it doesn't, I've at least written out my story.

Epilogue

It worked! I'm officially Wraeththu! I was never so scared or so sick in my life as before and during it and the althaia nearly did kill me, but when all the muck was cleared off me in the bath and I was awake again, no fever, I knew I had survived. I looked down at instead of being an imperfect mix up, I was a perfect mix up! Uli came and looked me over and said that despite some serious worries, turns out I'm just like any other har now. He sent his son Naral to me for my first aruna and he agreed -- I'm perfectly OK. They all say I was OK before too, something really special, but to me, this is better.