Chapter 4

I was back in Ferenga. I was riding on a horse and in my hand I had the lead for another horse, a horse with no rider.

This had happened. Twenty years before, I had lost my beloved. I came back to town and the townfolk ran up to me. My children asked me, "Where's Tishrana?" I could not answer. I was barely awake. I had ridden for days practically without stopping. I had not eaten. When the horses stopped outside my house, they had to help me off. I fell into their arms.

In the dream I lived these moments again only there were changes. I could not speak, but in my mind there was a thought pounding desperately through my mind, clamoring to get out. I wanted to tell them about Tishrana. "Go back and rescue him!" I wanted to scream. "He's still alive!"

At the time, at the real time, when it actually happened, I had not known. I had searched for a body, but it was impossible. He was gone done the canyon, and there was no getting him back. Here in the dream, however, I struggled to save him. Oh, if only I could speak. No one would help me, no one cared. They tried to soothe me but I only struggled. Oh, please, if they would only save him!

My children were crying as they performed a ceremony of mourning. I sat in a chair, still too shocked to speak and still unable to voice my plea, the one thing in the world that mattered. Tishrana was alive! We didn't need to grieve. My children didn't need to think him dead. The five children I had hosted, to whom he was a father. The two he had hosted himself. All grieving and it was not necessary, it simply was not necessary!

That went for everything that had happened. Once I had come out my shock, I had tried to put my life in order. I had taken care of the children, watched over as the last two children went through their Feybraiha. I settled things with Tishrana's relatives. And then, at last, when it was all done, I left. I had decided I wanted a new start. I went to Delia.

In the dream, I was leaving Ferenga on my horse, another horse at my side. This time the horse had a rider. It was Dera. "Why are you here?" I asked him. "Where is Tishrana?" He stared at me. "Tishrana is dead," he said. "No!" I screamed, dropping the lead and galloping away. I had to escape, had to find somewhere where the questions would stop, where I could have things as they were supposed to be.

I awoke to find Dera shaking me by the shoulders. "Wake up! Wake up!"

He smiled and reached over to a steaming cup of tea, which he offered. I straightened up so I could drink it. "I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I was having a bad dream."

"I know," he said, tipping the tea to my mouth so I could drink it. "It was about Tishrana."

How did he know? "I heard you say his name," he answered me, knowing my thoughts. "It's alright, Fafa, to be vulnerable. You work so hard to be strong, but it's alright. I'll take care of you."

I took in the tea and noted that it was infused with a special blend that would let me sleep for an hour to two -- with dreams that remained in the light, avoiding the darkness.

"You don't have to do anything," he said. "Everything will be taken care of. I will see to Adelna. He's my son, too. You must sleep and stop worrying. I will return later tonight. Just remember: For all this fear you feel, you love him."

Taking the cup away, he pressed his lips to mine. "I love you, too" he said.

After he left, I slept. An hour or two later, I awoke to find Dera beneath the covers, naked, wrapped around me like a vine. When I stirred, he pulled me closer and began to nuzzle my neck. I did not struggle. I knew what he wanted and, feeling better, I knew what I wanted as well.

He pulled back the blankets for better access and quickly my clothes were gone. I felt his fingers slide through my hair, felt his palms as they smoothed over my cheekbones, across my chest, and then down to my loins. I was soume, both in body and mind, and what perfection it was to feel his body slipping over and then into mine.

I lay passive, accepting all the pleasure he had to give, letting it permeate through every cell and obliterate the bad, the doubts, the fears. This was nothing but good. He blossomed inside of me and I was in a pleasurable haze, his mouth to mine, my hands digging into his shoulders as I clung to him, my grip tighter with every thrust until finally I screamed, he screamed, and the world seemed to come crashing down. We had been one, but now we were separate, tangled on the bed, sweaty and sated.