AS I AM Meet the Real Wendy Darling

Most people are boring, narrow-minded, bland, and predictable creatures. In short, they suck. All they ever do is get in my way. A million times a day, these other people get in the way of what I want. They don't deserve what I deserve, but I let them have it anyway. I am a civil person, a generous person. I do not hog up space and time just because I think people are sheep. I, however, am not a sheep.

I have a lot of anger, mostly because I think that most of the common notions people have, the ideas they get from the media, their families, each other, are all wrong. I believe in ideas that spring independently of all these things, the kind of ideas you get from really looking at things, not just taking somebody's word for it. I believe in ideas that are original.

I think of my mind as a kind of bulldozer. I plow over things, collide with them, just press on ahead. Nobody imposes anything on my mind. If I want it, I take it. And believe me, I know when I'm taking it. Nothing sneaks by me. I am a very conscious person. I am awake in the true sense of the word. And so I attack the world fiercely, dealing with the world on my terms. Just because a million people think something is so doesn't mean it is so. It could be a billion people, I don't care. Common wisdom, common sense, common righteousness is so hard to come by.

What was I saying? Oh, yes, this is me. Now let me make a few statements. These are the kind of things I want people to know about me. I don't go around telling people because I'm shy. To meet the people I want to meet requires contact with the masses, people who are boring and bland (see above). I don't really care much for these people, but since presenting myself as I am means facing them, I'd rather just duck the whole issue. I don't let anyone really know me. I look down at the floor a lot. I come off as cold, forbidding, superior, maybe even snotty, but I sure feel protected. Whatever. Now I will take the mask off...

None of this information is going to come in order. Just deal with it. I am Wendy. I believe the world is about to explode. I believe there will be civil war world wide. I believe capitalism is destroying the world. Furthermore, I don't believe socialism works either. We have come too far with science for anything to work. Too many things have been created. Too many problems. Everything is homogenized, simplified. People were becoming smarter for a while, but now they're just more and more stupid. It's worse than the Middle Ages. That was a period of enlightenment.

Few know this because most know nothing. They don't know history. They don't know shit. They just run around in these stupid paradigms. Everything they know is hearsay. They never open their goddamn eyes. They have cotton in their ears. They are all too willing to accept the easy solutions, simple explanations. The facade is all they see, never the underpinnings.

People don't use their brains. For a lot of them, life is like a puppet show. They just watch it and laugh. They don't think about the string, who built the stage, who's in the audience, they're such total fools. It's like you give them a front-row seat in life and they're looking at the arms of their chairs or their own bellybuttons. When they look at me, or somebody like me, or somebody who is an utter and complete genius, they look at it through these lenses, these foggy, scratched up lenses. It's like they have a telescope, tunnel vision. They say they understand, they can relate, but that's because they only see things they agree with, know about. They do not relate well to other beings. They do not see the truth.

Me? Oh, yes, I keep putting it off. I am Wendy. I grew up in Massachusetts. I was branded an outcast as a child. The world was not kind. I withdrew into a world of illusion. I forged my own world. I have a very strong and well-developed personality. I am talented. I have a very analytical mind. I am quick. I write well. I read well. I can sing. I like to dance. I am sensual. I am sexual. As I want to tell everyone every second, I am not straight, will never be straight, will never understand what it is to be straight. I like what is there in a person, not the part that is "male" or "female." I believe society's attempt to squash down sex and drugs as sins is pathetic and evil. I despise most religion. It is all fake. People believe it, but that's because it encompasses all their narrow perceptions on the world. What is the point of it?

I am a nihilist, an existentialist, a surrealist, a dadaist, an expressionist, a Buddhist... I am political. I am romantic. I am generous to a fault. I am thrifty. I can be very sexy. I can look like a freak. I could kill you if I wanted to. I am strong. I can't run far, but I can kick high. I am determined. I am fierce as all hell. I am patient. I can take a lot of abuse. I have taken a lot of abuse.

I love public transportation. I love the Beatles, Bjork, Simon and Garfunkel, German industrial music, Beethoven... anything but what is popular, anything that is real expression, not just gloss. I hate country music. I have read a lot and would read more but I believe reading takes total concentration. If you give me a week with nothing else to do, I will fall into my books like falling in a pit. I believe Paul Monette is the greatest non-fiction writer who ever lived. I read non-fiction mostly because most fiction is so shallow. Fiction I do like tends to be dystopian, unhappy versions of the future. I hate romance. I love movies that most people think are freaky and bizarre. I hate TV. Almost all movies made in America today suck. I love the past. I love Big Band music. My parents are old, I can't help it. I like food a lot. I like fatty food that is no good for you. I believe diets are a fraud. I believe we should all be fat. I believe that it's all good. I do not believe in repression, especially of the self. There is oppression and injustice all around. Israel has never done anything but oppress and commit acts of injustice and violence. The American government feeds the rich and starves the poor, systematically wrecks the entire fucking world! As Moby says, everything is wrong.

I am not crazy. You think I am because I just wrote all that. Well, if that's how you feel, you're probably not someone I want to know. At least not that well. Don't worry, I don't hate you, I just don't have time. If you do know what I mean, however, please tell me so. I'd love to know.