NEW HAMPSHIRE
The Trashiest State
in the Union
|
NEW HAMPSHIRE
|
|
New Hampshire [Connecticut][Maine] [Massachusetts][Rhode Island] [Vermont]
Before I begin this rant, I have something very important to say: Everything I'm about to say about this state is based on trips in the southern portion. If you're from the boondocks up north or even from Manchester, please be assured that I'm not referring to you. You have not offended me in the least. In fact, I have enjoyed several trips up into the mountains, canoed the lakes and rivers, gone hiking, etc. I admire Manchester very much as a huge mill town. Please don't be mad at me!
Now, on to more important matters than apologizing to New Hampshirites. Honestly, I think New Hampshire is the Yankee equivalent of Alabama or Kentucky. I never met anyone up there with any class. I've never been anywhere with so many ugly, ill-conceived, tacky, cruddy strip malls. I'm picturing those lovely roads coming off the coast, lined with tattoo parlors and lotto joints.
New Hampshire supports itself on alcohol, cigarettes, and lotto ticket sales. Why? Oh, because it's "Live free or die" and the state has to raise money somehow. Another great perk that comes off of this is all the Massachusetts people who cross the border to shop places like Salem and Nashua looking for those tax-free bargains. Ah, New Hampshire is such a class act.
Maybe I can sum up all the problems in one story, one hypothetical story. My mom and I are home in Andover, Massachusetts, a couple of towns over from New Hampshire. We decide to go to the beach, so we get in the car and head to the famous 24-(or is it 12?)-mile coastline. It's mostly state parks. So we drive up and up, pay a toll, keep on going. It gets trafficky. Suddenly we notice we're surrounded by trailer parks. Then we hit tattoo parlors, arcades, lotto joints, skeezy seafood joints.
Finally we get to the beach. Our favorite is Hampton Beach. It's nice, it really is... unless you venture near the Town of Hampton Beach. (This is where you must pardon me!) Town is a hole. There are more decrepit hotels... Oh, you can't imagine. The funny thing is, they all have pretentious names like "Royal Oaks" and "Grand Dune." The people are the worst. We're talking Poor White Trash of the highest (lowest?) order -- cut-offs, acid-wash, fugly T-shirts, Wal-Mart sneakers, big earrings, the works. What are all these people doing here? Well, having a good time, of course! They buy lotto tickets, play at the arcades, and buy incredibly ugly "shell art." They all have embarrassing swimsuits. It is so sad. Goodness knows what draws them to the beach. Maybe it's the minigolf or the high class entertainment provided by the numerous arcades.
One time my mother and I went up to Portland or Portsmouth and decided to take the coast road home. We came upon Hampton and stopped. There was such a traffic jam! People were swarming all over the street and for some reason, nothing was moving. We crept along and crept along for, I swear, 45 minutes. Hampton is a dinky, little place, to tell you the truth. We couldn't figure out what was going on. There were police all over. Finally we realized there was some kind of massive beach volleyball thingy going on. Still, we weren't moving.
Finally, after an hour sitting in that town and seeing all its nastiness out the window, we realized what was wrong: This one stupid cop was screwing everything up. There was an intersection with a crosswalk and two emptying parking lots. Three miles of cars were backed up trying to go south. Meanwhile there were about three cars trying to leave the parking lots. You know what this guy was doing? He was letting everybody go but the people on the main road. He'd wave the people to cross, then he'd let a parking lot out, then he'd let out some more people, then he'd let out the other parking lot, etc., etc... and then he'd let through about two cars. The man was so oblivious to the art of traffic direction. He had no clue there was a tie-up. What a fool!
Oh, and one more thing about Hampden. Not only is it nasty in itself, but just outside of town, when you look across the marsh, you can see the ever-so-lovely Seabrook Nuclear Power Plant. Think you're safe in case of an accident? Think again -- you're stuck in Hampden in a police-generated traffic jam!
Ah, New Hampshire. How I love it. How we all should love it. It needs love. Let's have a group hug as we look at these links:
On to Rhode Island ->
| Go Directly To: |